Heteroclite Inamorata
by Calm Soul
Summary: [Oneshot] When Kenny and a few adults have a small little discussion about Hilary's love life, they find themselves finding out a lot more than they ever really wanted to. And no, I don't know why Voltaire is there.


_Disclaimer_: I swear, do I always have to write these things? Beyblade, the characters, or the show belong to Takao Aoki (Aoki Takao) and I am making no money off this thing.

_Pairings_: TyHil, KaiHil, with slight implications towards RayMax, RayMariah, MaxMariam, and a few surprise pairs.

_Warnings_: Major OOC, hetero, slight language, crack, and many, many more stuff.

_Timeline_: Er, either a really AU-VForce, or a really AU-GRev. Take your pick. It doesn't have any Daichi, but it features plenty of Hiro and Voltaire (who's supposed to be dead, but who cares.)

Okay, this is a bit like my other fanfic 'More Than Enough' but it's a bit different too, because well, you don't exactly see the adults discussing Hilary's love life in my other fic now do you? Plus, the ending is substantially different and this is a heck of a lot funnier.

This is not meant to flame or offend _anyone. _This fic was made for my entertainment and nothing else. So, I don't want to or expect any flames in case you don't happen to like the ending. And for your sake, don't just skip ahead to the end so you can find out what happens. Let it be a surprise! Resist the temptation! Okay, I'm done ranting.

So, with that said, please go on to read and review!

_x&x&x&x_

**_Heteroclite Inamorata _**

_x&x&x&x_

It was a lovely afternoon in Bakuten. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and there was an age old (well, perhaps not that old) happening in the Granger Dojo. Wait, that's not how the sentence usually goes. Oh well.

"You must be joking. You must." said Kenny dubiously, fixing his glasses properly so he could openly stare at the figure.

Chuckling, Grandpa Granger slapped his knee and fixed Kenny the Look. "Sonny boy, you have a lot to learn about Lady Love herself."

"But your discernment is just highly incongruous!" Kenny exclaimed. "Substantially outrageous! It just doesn't fabricate an inch of kinesthesia!"

Grandpa Granger gave the brunet another Look. "Dude, speak in English. I'm getting old remember, not all that upgraded on all your little teen lingo."

"You can say that again." Kenny muttered under his breath. "But anyways, I'm just trying to say that the idea of Kai and Hilary together and," His nose scrunched up in disgust. "Liking each other in _that _way just seems utterly ridiculous."

"And why is it so ridiculous?" demanded the senior.

"Because it's more than obvious that Tyson and Hilary belong together!" answered the bespectacled boy.

"WHAT!"

Both the brunet and the white - though he'd never admit it - haired man - boy in the brunet's case - froze, knowing exactly whose voice that belonged to. Only one man could scream and shout with that tone…

Voltaire Hiwatari. Wait, are you sure that's his last name? It is possible to have a different last name even though Kai's his grandson. Besides, Voltaire Hiwatari just sounds so weird. Like major ick. Uh never mind.

"I repeat; what?" The evil and concocting and sniveling and disastrous and bad – okay never mind, you get the point – guy exclaimed. "How could you possibly say that the stupid boy with the stupid red cap deserves this so called girl Hilary more than my own grandson? Hmph, teenagers." And with that, the evil bad guy plopped down onto the dojo floor to sit with the boy and the senior.

Silence reigned. For two seconds.

"Okay first off, just what are you _doing_ here Voltaire?" Kenny asked. "Second off, Tyson does deserve Hilary more than Kai does because he just likes her more. There is just no amount of chemistry between Kai and Hilary." The boy stated.

"Oh come on, that is just so not true." Voltaire argued, completely unaware he was actually taking part in a discussion about his grandson's love life; or lack thereof. "My grandson and this Hilary you speak of must have lots of chemistry. I mean sure, I didn't make a single appearing in V Force – er, I mean, during the time the girl first joined in - but my spies most definitely brought me enough pictures of proof."

Kenny blinked. "You have spies watching your own grandson? I repeat, what _are_ you doing here?"

Voltaire sighed aggravated. "I just wanted to pay the country a visit okay! And I'll have you know little boy, that I needed my spies to tell me how Kai is doing. Though, with the current spark he's having with this brunette girl, I can't say I'm exactly worried about his state right now."

"For once," started Grandpa Granger. "I agree with the bad guy."

"Misunderstood bad guy," corrected said bad – er, misunderstood – guy.

Kenny rolled his eyes, unable to believe what he was actually doing. "For the last time, Tyson and Hilary make a much better couple than Kai and Hilary ever could."

"Why!" asked the oldie and the baddie simultaneously, before looking creeped out at the notion of actually having something in common.

"Maybe because they have a lot more chemistry." A dry voice – that did **not **belong to Kenny – interrupted and answered, sounding like it came from somewhere behind. The three males turned their heads towards the doorway, and saw Tyson's brother, also known as Hiro Granger.

"Just what are you talking about boy?" Voltaire queried, watching – along with Grandpa Granger and Kenny – as the bluenette went to sit down and continue their discussion about Hilary's Love Life with them. "What on earth makes you think that Tyson and Hilary have any chemistry between them?"

Hiro shrugged. "Because they. I've seen them argue like bunnies, trying to just conceal their feelings. It's a common thing in a love/hate relationship. Tyson and Hilary just have that much more chemistry – or sexual tension if you want to call it."

"Tyson and Hilary may argue a lot, but that does not always necessarily it's used to hide how they really feel. They both aren't that great with hiding their feelings after all," protested Grandpa Granger (who for once wasn't using hip lingo). "And after all, Hilary seems to be the one that opens up to the most. The two certainly get along pretty great."

"An arguable point," Kenny objected. "Kai is learning to open up a bit more to all of us. Hilary isn't the only he talks to. And besides, the symptoms you're describing about the Kai and Hilary relationship sounds like something good friends would do."

Voltaire jumped in, "True, but Hilary is the only one that Kai hasn't chewed out yet with those bad boy glares and snorts and sarcastic remarks. They have a connection that Kai doesn't share with anyone else."

"Oh come on. Kai's never shown any sort of interest for Hilary in _that_ sort of way." The older Granger (the one that didn't have white hair) stated.

"And that's where you're completely mistaken," the oldest Granger (the one that did have white hair) disagreed. "You just lack the ability to understand girls as well as your old man does. This is so the reason why you haven't had a date since like, ever." Grandpa Granger pointed out, ignoring the fact that he was going into 'Valley Girl' language.

"Excuse me!" Hiro exclaimed haughtily.

The Kendo Master sighed, almost looking sorry for his grandson. "You really don't get any action now, do you Hiro? Oh boy, don't worry about it. I remember a long, long, long that time when I couldn't get a single girl to go out with me. Though luckily that time passed. Apparently they were under the impression I played for the other team. Now Hiro, have you ever looked at males that way?"

Hiro's teeth clenched. "Grandpa, I have _never_ looked at boys that way."

The old man looked downright horrified. "Why Hiro, I never would even think of suggesting that!"

The teeth relaxed. "Thank you Grandpa. I mean, sure I haven't had a date in centuries but-"

"You certainly don't seem like the pedophile type." continued the Kendo Master, oblivious to the fact that he was digging his own grave. "I mean, I could never picture you looking at boys that way. Men though, make a heck of a lot more sense."

Teeth were back to clenching. "Grandpa, I am not gay."

"Its okay son, you really have to avoid denial when concerning yourself with these issues, it does nothing for the soul. And besides, I'm fine with you picking up little men instead of little women-"

Eyebrows furrowed. "Gramps, I do not swing that way."

"-really, I don't have a single problem with it. I mean sure, I was hoping for little Hiros and little Hiro's Wives running the dojo someday, but I guess little Tysons and little Tyson's Wives – which would not be Hilary – in charge will have to do. And it's just fine if you want to be the submissive one in your coughmanlycough relationships, since you've-"

Nose scrunched up. "I do not like guys. And even if I did, I'd be the dominant one." He added, almost as an afterthought.

"-always seemed a bit feminine to me. I mean sure, you've always had that stupid mask of yours on, and that Jin of Gale was just the worst fashion statement I've heard since like, ages, but whatever. I wonder, have you ever tried cross-dressing?"

And insert Death Glare Version 2. 36. "I AM NOT GAY ALRIGHT!"

"…well…someone's been guy PMSing."

Death Glare met Steely Glare, and for a long (long, long, long) drawn out moment everything was completely and totally silent as the two males battled it out, one fighting to defend his masculinity and the other fighting to tear it down to femininity. Eyes clashed, brown meeting brown (or whatever color they were). Tension thickened, gradually approaching their climatic peak-

"Uh, guys…we are still here you know."

"Yeah, just because I'm a Misunderstood Bad Guy does not I still don't deserve a little attention. I have feelings too you know!"

"…Voltaire, you're evil."

"…well yeah…but I can do angst just as well as my grandson!"

Pause.

"Right," Kenny coughed, turning back to the family members of the group. "Let's just get back to what we were discussing before you guys got into an argument over Hiro's sexuality."

"That's fine with me." Hiro quickly agreed, more than willing to change the subject as long as it didn't involve talking about which team he played for.

Grandpa Granger spoke up. "Where was I again?"

"You were telling Hiro that he didn't understand girls as well as you did." Voltaire eagerly responded.

"Oh yes, that's right! Anyway, what I meant to say was that though Hilary is a bit of a spitfire, she's always managed to hide her feelings pretty well too. She isn't like other girls remember? Rather than flirting to get the guy's attention, she takes her time, listening and paying attention to the object of her affections, something she does to Kai." The Kendo Master smiled knowingly.

"Because she's his friend duh." insisted Kenny, trying to ignore the fact that he just used a slang term. The poor boy could almost _feel_ his IQ dropping several numbers. "That's what all friends do."

Voltaire smirked. "That might be true, but don't people always say that friendship is a good foundation for love, or something like that? Besides, do you not remember that when Hilary first saw Kai, the first words out of her mouth were 'He's cute'. Really, how can you possibly argue with that?"

Hiro stared at the arch villain. "And you would know this how…?"

"It's called spies boy. Get with the program already." said Voltaire, completely ignoring the fact that the 'Valley Girl' onslaught attacking the group. "Also, let's not forget the island incident when Kai protected Hilary from the boulders. Now that was a real moment if I ever saw one." Voltaire exclaimed proudly.

Kenny rolled his eyes. "Then you obviously don't get out much," the boy snapped, unaware he was insulting one of the most dangerous criminals Japan had ever seen. "Because it was obvious that Kai was just protecting a friend. He would have done the same thing if I was going to be pummeled by those rocks. And of course Hilary would say Kai was cute. Tons of people do." He said convinced.

Grandpa Granger raised a white eyebrow. "Somehow, I doubt that…"

"Oh shut up you old coot!" snapped Hiro, obviously still feeling stingy over the argument about his sexuality. Or maybe it really _was_ guy PMS. Hard to tell with Hiro. "I don't even know how you could prefer Voltaire's grandson over your own!"

Grandpa Granger shrugged nonchalantly. "I don't know dude, I guess I just think that if – and only if – Tyson and Hilary ever do get married, their relationship would be somewhat unconventional. They just argue 24/7. Something that does not need to run in the family." His eyes widened slightly as he imagined what would happen if arguments _were_ genetic.

"Oh please, they'll grow out of it...eventually. Why, I'll bet you that by the time they do get married – and they **will** get married – they'll be acting just like how Ray and Mariah are acting currently." This time it was Hiro who smiled knowingly.

Voltaire merely looked confused. "You mean those two teammates from the White Tigers? They seemed pretty platonic to me. In fact, it seemed like that the American Blonde was pretty hung up on Chinese man." The villain crossed his legs and poured himself a cup of tea that was on the floor.

Kenny's eyes bugged out. "You must be joking! Max and Ray are just good friends. There is nothing more than platonic feelings between the two. Besides, I think Max has a likely crush on Mariam."

"The Saint Shields girl?"

"Yep."

"Hmm…"

Hiro coughed. "Hello, I thought we were supposed to be discussing Hilary's Love Life! I'm still telling you though; its obvious Tyson likes her. Plus, they've got so much chemistry together that I have no idea why Tyson just doesn't drop his Kendo stick and start going at it with Hilary during Kendo practice."

"AARGH! STOP! THE IMAGES I TELL YOU! HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE!" Grandpa Granger shouted, trying to cover his ears and bury himself into his robe.

"Yes Hiro, please spare us the gruesome details. Most of which probably wouldn't even happen." Voltaire added, glaring at Hiro. "And let me tell you something, Kai and Hilary most definitely have some sort of chemistry as well. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if my grandson just dropped his beyblade at his next match and went straight to the girl to er, what is it you teenagers are calling it these days? Oh yes, making-out."

This time, it was Kenny and Hiro who cried out against the relentless images attack against the group.

"MY EYES! THEY BURN!"

"Kenny…we can't see your eyes. You're always wearing those glasses remember?"

"That doesn't mean I don't have them, now does it!"

"Well, I have always had some suspicions..." started Voltaire – who quickly shut up as soon as he saw the Death Glare aimed at him, determined to bury him six feet under.

"Now, now Kenny, no need to be so mean to Voltaire," chastised the Kendo Master. "Both of you apologize to each other right now." If he had any idea of the fact that he was acting like a total Mother Hen, it would suffice to say he was pretty oblivious to it.

"Sorry." Both the evil misunderstood bad guy and the nerd muttered to each other, both trying hard not to pout.

Grandpa Granger nodded, satisfied. "Good, good. Now, back to our discussion. Voltaire was saying that there was plenty of chemistry between Kai and Hilary-"

"-and I was going to say that you were probably imagining things," Hiro interrupted. "Attempting to find a spark between Kai and Hilary would be like trying to get fire by rubbing two fish together. Or was it fishes? Hmm." Putting on a pensive look, the bluenette took no notice of everyone inching _just _a couple of inches away from him.

Kenny coughed. "Either one can be used for plural." Mentally, he screamed for joy at the fact that it seemed that he still had some of his intelligence left.

"But we are straying from the point," interrupted Grandpa. "I think that Kai and Hilary have some sort of spark that exists between the two. Besides, may I remind you that sexual tension is not always the best basis for a relationship. Friendship is. Something that Kai and Hilary have plenty of."

"I think you're missing the point old man," insisted Hiro. "Tyson and Hilary do have a friendship between them. Even though they argue day and night, it would be wrong to say they aren't friends. And let's not forget, that a relationship without chemistry never works out either. And Kai and Hilary just don't have any." He sipped his tea.

"My grandson does have a spark with the girl," insisted the resident Bad Guy. "You people are just blind to see that. I however think that such a spark doesn't exist between Tyson and Hilary. Those two just seem to be friends who argue, like all the time." Oh dear, it seemed the 'Valley Girl' talk was coming back.

Kenny jumped in quickly, ready to fight in the name of love. "There is plenty of proof for sparks between Tyson and Hilary. Remember how crushed the girl seemed when Tyson tore her MG Core plan thing away? Now, that was a sign of love if I ever saw one." He nodded.

"I think you're the one that missing the point now Kenny," interjected Voltaire. "Alright, so maybe – and only maybe – Hilary does feel something just a bit stronger than platonic for the Dragoon master. It doesn't mean that those feelings are reciprocated."

"Well, it's not like there is any proof that Kai's feelings for Hilary are reciprocated as well." argued Hiro, grudgingly admitting that Hilary might also feel something for the Dranzer master.

"How many times must I remind you of the island incident!" Voltaire exclaimed.

"And how many times must I remind you that Kai was just protecting a friend!" Kenny retorted.

"What are you guys talking about?"

All four men froze. Because that voice did not belong to them, nor did it belong to any male at all. Because standing in the doorway with a puzzled look on her face, was the one herself; Hilary Tatibana.

Shocked silence reigned. For about five seconds.

Kenny coughed, throwing his companions a desperate look before turning back to the girl. "Uh, Hilary, just how much did you hear?"

Hilary shrugged. "Not much really. All I saw was that you guys seemed to having a pretty strong argument going on." She cast a wary look at Voltaire. "And who is that guy?"

"No one special." Hiro hastily added in. "Just some random stranger dude we picked up from the streets who happens to talk Valley Girl 24/7."

"Like totally girlfriend." added said Random Stranger (who was really a bad and misunderstood villain anyway).

Hilary blinked, backing away just a couple of inches away. "Alright then," she said slowly and carefully. "I'm just going to go and do uh, stuff now." With that, the girl ran away, obviously scared off.

As soon as the girl disappeared from their view, all three men (and one boy) sighed in relief.

"Hey I just realized something," started Grandpa Granger, eyes widening. "We could've asked Hilary if she preferred Tyson over Kai, or Kai over Tyson!"

The statement sunk in; and all chaos happened.

"NOOO!" wailed the Nerd, the Bad Guy, the Brother, and the Kendo Master.

Suddenly, the dojo door opened to expose Mr. Dickinson holding his hat in his hand and a rather shocked expression on his face at seeing all three men (and one boy) shouting out.

"What's the matter gentlemen?" He asked calmly, taking in the forsaken expressions on their faces.

Surprisingly, it was Voltaire who recovered the quickest, running to the old man and grabbing hold of his tuxedo pant, a desperate look on his face and trying to seize the opportunity. "Mr. Dickinson! Please, we must know! Tell us! Please!"

"Tell you what!" Mr. Dickinson asked, looking just _slightly_ frightened at the fact that the arch villain was actually hanging onto him as if he was last chance at life.

"Kenny and I think that Tyson and Hilary will sooner or later get together…" started Hiro, looking a just a little bit saner now.

"…while Voltaire and I think that Kai and Hilary will eventually get together." Grandpa Granger finished promptly. He threw an irritated look at the opposing group. "That's where our problem is."

"Well," Mr. Dickinson started haggardly, trying hard to get the villain off his pants leg; who would just not budge. The old man gave up, standing stock still. "That is a rather interesting predicament. Very interesting I think."

"And what are your thoughts on the matter hmm?" Kenny eagerly asked, grasping his teacup tightly. In fact, it seemed all four males had their gazes fixed on the man.

"Well, I do think you guys really need some other extracurricular activities. I'd suggest beyblading, but it really doesn't seem to do anything for you all. Have you ever tried playing Twister? A good challenging game if I may say so. Why, I had no idea a person like me could be so flexible when playing the game. Very fun."

"Will you just please tell us already?" Voltaire begged (well, that's a new one).

"Yeah, I would really like to regain some of the IQ points I lost during the discussion." Kenny added.

"Very well then." Mr. Dickinson put on a thoughtful look on his face. "While it seems that Hilary has a form of interest in both Kai and Tyson, I do believe that a **threesome **is a correct term?"

And with that, Voltaire (the poor evil, misunderstood, bad guy) and Grandpa Granger (the poor Kendo Master) both fainted while Kenny and Hiro just dropped their teacups, spilling the wasted tea all over the floor. Not that anyone really seemed to care.

"A-Are you serious?" asked Hiro, eyes bugging out of their sockets.

"Quite. Why, just the other day I saw the having a rather avid three way make-out session in public. I'm surprised you guys haven't noticed." Mr. Dickinson answered cheerfully.

With that, both Kenny and Hiro joined Voltaire and Grandpa Granger onto the floor.

"…was it something I said?"

_x&x&x&x_

_**End**_

_x&x&x&x_

_A/N_:

No. Just don't ask. Please. Yes, I do realize that both the het and shounen ai supporters are most probably going to kill me, but I just wanted to write a fic on the idea since I was surprised no one's really done it. Well, maybe someone's done it, but I haven't seen one yet.

And in case anyone cares to ask what I prefer: TyKa makes me read. KaiHil makes me write. TyHil makes me write, **a lot**. I'm just peachy-keen with all three, even those I have definite preferences. By the way, you either think that Hiro is a homosexual in denial or straight in this fic. I don't particularly care. And no, I don't think it's possible to have a three way make out session.

So, don't forget to review!


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